umpf

just one of those days today. Ive been thinking lots of my friend, and all that he must be going thru.  Hes doing dialysis 3 times a week... can you imagine how much that wears on you? He is such a beautiful soul, and hates to discuss how sick he is.  Always has. Even when we were in 9th grade.. never discussed it. And, for whatever reason, he still doesnt want to.  He had such hopes and dreams, and here he sits... on dialysis every other day. I love you my friend, there are not enough words to express my love for you.  We may not speak often, but you have always been with me. Always.  I hope you find it within yourself to get better, to get stronger... we all care so much about you, and certainly wish great things for you and your health.  Ah, my friend...

round 2

why is it that certain groups of people just cant seem to get out of the way at the bottom, or top, of the escalator? or the elevator? especially when they are use to groups of people in confined spaces? im not naming the origin of particular people, just always baffles me....

anyway, back to me..it was great to see the people I saw.. but didnt get to see everyone I wanted or intended to see. Oh well, only so much time, adn family priorities snuck their head in.... it was a bit difficult being home... what was once so normal to me all those years ago, just wasnt so normal anymore. it was a bit strange to really feel like a foreigner in my 'home country'.  For the first week, i kept touching the back of the toilet to flush it... almost feel down teh escalator... ya know.. walking to the left and all... I suppose it would be different if i was a true visitor there, as everything would be so new to you that you would be on your toes to all teh differences, but when thats originally where your from, adn most things look the same, but tweeked a bit to be different... it was odd. A few friends even noticed a blank look on my face if we were out together and i wasnt sure about something, they would just help me out or answer for me... adn then we would have a good giggle about it. 

It was nice to be home, see people, and be in the environment, but its feeling nice to know that im on my way home.. to my 'normal' surroundings and to what is all comfy & cozy to me again..and my own bed... oh i cant wait!

well, time to change clothes and chill for a bit before i make my way to the terminal for more sitting... and waiting! thank goodness mom told me about the lounge, certainly made my stop in LAX so much nicer to be at!  moms are so good... and soon I get to see mine again!!!!

photos to come later, when im actually at a spot where im not having to watch my purse, luggage, and time my pee breaks ! HAHAHHA.

nothing like killing time at an airport

Sitting at the airport, with another 4 hours to go before they will tell me if Im on the plane (beauty of standby) .. so ive paid to check into a lounge and chill out for awhile.. all good

im anxious to get home, to what I now know as normal. Dont get me wrong, Ive had a good time in the states, some better than others... but Im looking forward to being in my own comfortable environment again.. with my friends (whom I have chosen very carefully, and very dear to my heart) and resume life as normal - except for that damn Salt Mines of a JOB.. that Im not looking forward to so much. Interesting tho, with some very stressful situations that arose during my trip back to the states, my stomach acid didnt act up like it does when Im at work.. so, test results are in.. my job stresses me.. confirmed.

I got to see my biological father. Hard to see someone who you once saw as a strong man with a lot of energy and zest for life.. barely able to walk.... much less walk & carry any items of weight. He stopped drinking only days before I came, and that resulted in a seizure during our first visit.. thankfully, other people were around. Nothing like seeing your dad piss himself and not remember a damn thing... hard to see, adn yet, a part of me just wanted him to not be in pain anymore. gut wrenching. Ive done pretty good talking on the phone to him, but to see him in his situation was a bit too much... i spent as much time as i emotionally could with him. One day I had spent about 6 hours with him, before I just felt I had to escape.. I couldnt bare it anymore, and I was drained from holding back the tears. He was sweet, offered me a popsicle before i left.. couldnt do it.. it felt like I just had to run and escape the situation...and the guilt... oh goodness teh guilt and sorrow I feel. And no matter how many times people tell me to not have guilt... well, until your in that situation... dont tell me my feelings arent valid. I know its said with love & concern, but damn it... its my feelings. It hurts. Its got to... hes my dad.

Grandma is doing well. Although, when anyone asks, she makes it sound like shes on her death bed. But man, you wave the offer of food to her, or the Twins Baseball game, or the casino, and that 87 year old granny of mine will out run you... in fact, I had to slow her down on teh way to dinner one night, she just darted across the street, not looking for cars... YIKES! it was nice to spend time with her and just be. Wasnt real thrilled on watching the twins every night... I like baseball as much as I like cricket.. and neither of the two make my list of shit to watch.  BUT i did, to hang with grandma. Ive now discovered teh reason why I THINK the older ladies watch baseball.. after a few conversations with the older ladies... it seems to me that the outfits, most notably, the pants and the 'cute butt' are what keep those statistics up and people watching!  i heard one particular lady, who is 92, say that the pitcher was so good looking in his pants... I couldnt help but laugh out loud... grandma noticed me giggling...and promptly told her she would call her back later!  I learned grandma's trick for corn on the cob in the micro... always liked it when she made it for me... even as a kid.. just couldnt remember teh trick! baking paper... goodness. Got it now.  Shes doing well, but hard to see her get a bit older too... but somehow she will always remain in her 60's to me... so full of life, and her mind is so vivid yet, and she and I had some good conversations. Although, she talks over the news program... but I soon learned to listen to HER & the news ... but didnt dare speak during the Wheel of Fortune! I so wish she would have went on that show... she would have been rich... how she knows those phrases so quickly.... amazes me.  God love her... shes so special.

Alright... time for a pee break & smoke break... post another one later.